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Letting Grumbly Grumbles Float in a Phat Vat

One of the tricks that helps me keep on keeping on is letting grumbly grumbles float. This morning, I was easily annoyed by the “slings and arrows” of annoying fortunes.

First the kvetch: I woke up tired and headachy, and my back still hurts from a recent flare up of an old muscle injury. I went to a yoga class, and the room was too cold and too dark. I could barely see or hear the instructor, and there were no straps out, and the instructor didn’t know where the straps were. And most importantly, I couldn’t do poses that I was easily able to do a year ago. I hurt, and I felt like an out of shape blob of stiffness. Normally, yoga makes me feel great even when I can’t do the poses, but this morning, I left with a bit of hate in my heart. Afterward, I mistakenly took pity on a smiling young fitness center worker and let him test my body fat composition with a device of dubious reliability. He waved the magic fat wand (actually I held it in my hands) and found, no surprise to me, that I am “obese.” But he couldn’t say that word, no he had to point to the box that contained the range that my magic fat number fell in. I have to assume that he thought I would be traumatized by the information. That I would feel shame. All I felt was rage. Especially since he used my magic fat number as a segue way to try to sell me the very expensive personal training. I went into the locker room and there were too many ladies yammering and taking up space. I wanted to punch people out of the way. I should have taken a shower, but I couldn’t deal with all the damn people. (I find this gym’s locker room annoying even on days I am in a good mood). I left headachy, a wee bit stinky, stiff and irritated as all get out. I got to work and was annoyed with all sorts of small things and bitched a bit to a co-worker and then bitched a bunch to myself.

And at that point, I realized that while I had some good reasons to be grumpy that a fair amount of my grumpiness was unreasonable. I just wanted to grumble and bitch and whine and kvetch and complain and exclaim and deride. There was no way that I was going to stop being grumpy. I didn’t need to be happy. But I wasn’t going to crank up the bitch switch to 11. I decided to turn the volume down by not choosing to complain very much. I didn’t deny or suppress. I gave it some soft space to be, I cushioned it. I let the grumbly grumbles float in a phat vat of acceptance.

Oddly enough, while my body has continued to bother me with various aches and pains, and I had a few moments of intense annoyance (headaches and lots of loud children are a craptastic combination), I had a good day. Not a happy day. I don’t need to be happy all the time. I got lots of work done. I managed to not spew my shit on everyone, and despite a very few, very brief moments of self hate, I did not end the day in despair. Right now my back hurts and my head is beginning to hurt again. And while there is work I should do, instead I will go lie down and probably go to sleep extra early. In this moment, I am not happy, I’m not satisfied, but I am centered and calm.

Tonight, I wave my magic phat wand over all my faithful and faithless followers. I hope you can hold all your irritations and annoyances, all your aches and pains, and not be ground down by them. May you find a way to hold them softly. I tell you, let ’em float.

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